Wholeness

When I encountered the concept of oneness through reading Eckhart Tolle's, "The Power of Now", I had one of those sought after 'light bulb' moments. It was just that though, a flashing moment, it has taken a while to go from the occasional sporadic flash, to staying brightly lit on a more permanent basis. Recently an experience unfolded that has challenged the stability of electrical connection to this light bulb (rather chuffed with this metaphor) and it seems the connection is both stable and well earthed. Let me explain!

The dictionary defines oneness as a 'quality or state of being one; wholeness', or 'a condition of perfect harmony'. As a person, I am whole. Is this true? I didn't used to believe so, in fact I think I probably thought I was in pieces, or missing bits and that other people could help patch me up and make me complete, whole. This was certainly true in two main areas of my life, 1) that finding the perfect career/ job would fulfil me and make me happy, 2) that finding a partner that 'fit' me would 'complete' me...fulfil me and make me happy... you get the theme.

The more I looked into oneness, did practices such as yoga and meditation, the more self-aware I became and I started to feel a shift. In this context, there were two main parts to this shift:

Firstly, I started to feel connected to things more. This actually has quite a bit of science behind it of which I shall give you a taster, if this intrigues you then I recommend Deepak Chopra for further reading. That we are all made up of energy is something scientists have granted as fact, that we are all made up of the same energy, is also now taken as fact. A table has a denser energetic vibration than a human body, the human body has a denser vibration than a cloud, a cloud has a denser vibration than air etc. The point being, that we are all energy, constantly changing and interchanging, never static... and yes, this does mean that teeny tiny energy molecules of clouds and tables can change vibrational density and end up as part of us, in our liver or kidneys for example, before they continue their journey into your television screen, or a banana... For those reading this with a sceptically raised eyebrow and frown on their forehead may I refer you also, to a brain such as Mr Chopra's.

"every moment you're actually changing your body, reshuffling, exchanging its atoms and molecules with the rest of the universe, and you're doing it faster than you can change your clothes. In fact the bodies, which you're using right now to sit on the chairs, are not the bodies that you came into this room with a little while ago." Walt Whitman wrote: "Every atom that belongs to you as well belongs to me." And this is not a poetic metaphor, it's a fact. So if you think you are your material body, you certainly have a bit of a problem: Which one are you speaking of?" Deepak Chopra

So why is this important? Because we are ALL interconnected (and ALL includes everything you can and can't see, touch and smell), we are all made up of the same stuff....'matter', 'particles', thus we are ALL one. There is a oneness a wholeness that we are all part of. It is only determination to feel separate that seems to cause suffering, a sense of being incomplete.

Secondly, I took on the advice of a friend who very wisely looked at me and firmly said, 'you're very good at Doing, now why don't you just try Being'. Huh I thought. Good point though. And so I embarked upon becoming more present, 'stopped' more often, took my time whilst walking to the station or making breakfast, learnt to watch my thoughts instead of reacting to them without even realising that's what I was doing (fyi – I'm no saint and most certainly still do this!). The results of just Being were these; I could feel a space inside of me, a space that felt full instead of empty, although that made no logical sense. This space was more profound than a favourite novel, yet so subtle. I know it as my core, my natural state of Being, some would call it the soul. In it, I feel only peace, love and joy. Now this may sound beautiful to some of you and damned sickly to others! If you're from the latter category then I totally understand, as I used to feel cringy and like grabbing a bucket. For myself, it appears a large amount of the bucket syndrome was a result of resistance from my ego to letting go of its strong hold and allowing me to have a more meaningful life. To the chagrin of some I have now semi-joined the 'fluffy gang' (which incidentally can make a wonderful way to get reactions out of people!). For those more hard core bucket syndrome-ers, can I suggest John C. Parkin, whose book (same delicate title as the following catch phrase), suggests that saying 'Fuck It' can get you to the same place yet with seriously non-fluffy language.

Accessing this state of oneness, of Being, I realised I need nothing, for I have everything right in this moment. Now this is a full on statement. I need nothing. Until I felt my connectedness to All things, my connectedness to my Being, it not only made no sense, it sounded far-fetched and naive. What about shelter, food, love, clothes, money... in fact who am I kidding, nice shelter, nice clothes and nice food and lots of money etc!

Both Eckhart Tolle's and Byron Katie's work helped me enormously in truly accepting this distinction between need and want. Through truly accepting whatever thought, feeling or emotion that arose, not pushing them to the side, resisting or denying them I was able to come to joyful acceptance of what is. What the reality is. For it brought me more into my Being where the only experience is connectedness, wholeness, joy, love and peacefulness. In this place of Being nothing is needed. That does not mean I don't Want something however! The difference being that my Wanting something is no longer a desperate attempt for me to create happiness and meaning and wholeness, for I am already that. If something I Want comes into my life, it may well add to my experiences, yet the absence of something I Want not being in my life does not detract from who I am or my experience of life. Again, I repeat myself (I know!) this is because I am already whole.

As with so many lessons and learning's, it often goes in my experience at least, that situations will present themselves to help deepen the learning, or humble what you think you have learnt!

I am using my experience and understanding of wholeness, oneness, acceptance and surrender in my work with others. It is therefore fitting that I am currently going through a set of experiences that put this to the test. Does this 'wholeness, oneness, acceptance, joy, peace, love stuff' still hold when the thing I would be the most unwilling to let go of, needs just that, to be let go of. In this case a relationship. A beautiful and loving relationship. I look back at past experiences where relationships have changed, due to falling out, distance in location, growing apart, breaking up and death and recall how so often I experienced suffering, hurt, blame, hope, anger, loneliness and the feeling that something of myself has died or was missing. In this current experience I still experience some of these emotions/ thoughts, however, there is a marked, humongous and wonderful difference. I know these emotions and thoughts are not my Being, they are not Me. They are only my ego. I can step back and watch them surface, allow them to be expressed whilst remaining connected to my Being, my Core. I do not feel the emptiness, the loss of a part of myself. I still feel and know my wholeness to be true. In fact, the more I am able to surrender to the thoughts and emotions that arise, the more connected to All I feel.

Sure I am still taken off-guard, in some moments more than others and here I am able to smile as I recall something a friend said once and I have subsequently adopted as an automatic mantra when I require self-forgiveness, 'you're not Gandhi' – by which she meant, for those requiring translation, 'get over yourself, you are doing amazingly well, both for where you are at and with the tools you currently have and as yet you're not enlightened don't go getting all OTT about being perfect etc etc'!!

There is one last aspect I would like to share regarding my current experience – of letting go of a relationship. When my thoughts or feelings rise up and start to play out stories such as 'what if...' or 'why can't it be this way instead' and I identify with them or allow myself to momentarily be lost in them, I instinctively want to hold back on loving this person, like a reflex defence mechanism. Yet when I connect with my core, my Being, I know that all I have is love for this person and that in withholding my love for them I am inflicting unnecessary hurt and suffering upon myself instead.

This is because I am withholding love from myself, through denying the natural state of my Being, my Core, which is the energetic vibration of love, joy and peace and by refusing to allow my love for anything, anyone, I am creating a separation in my Being and my connection to Oneness.

This experience has illustrated to me very clearly how the traditional games we often play such as holding back love or communication are pointless and only serve to create separation with myself and cause unnecessary suffering. I love and so I share my love, I do not need to receive anything in return and do not ask for anything in return. The unsurprising twist to this is that even in my letting them go, I have gained much. Returning to the concept of oneness, there is also peace in the knowledge that we are still and always will be connected, for we are all interconnected.

I need no thing, I need no other as I am happy in and of myself, myBeing. Yet I want to share my Being, my wholeness...as it is fun to do so! It adds magic to my life experience.

I am whole...what about you?!